Mr. Impostor

Why does someone pretend that they’re going to be and do more than they actually intend to? Why does someone talk about the future, without being asked, make plans with us, and make us believe in a false dream, when they have no intention of honoring it?

These people confuse me. From the person who says ‘You know about my situation, and of course I’m going to leave my wife/girlfriend to be with you!’ to the man who ask you what you are planning to do for your vacation? and then disappears days before resurfacing after you vacation is over pretending that nothing happened or that you misunderstood what he said, to the guy who says ‘Please call me, I want to hear your voice everyday' only to suddenly be ‘overwhelmed’, ‘busy’, or ‘unsure about us’, there are plenty of people getting caught short by Other People’s Fantasies.

Why do these people lie about a future with us? Even though, it took me a long time to figure it out, I think, I got it now. Maybe. Here are some of the reasons I found so far.

It is because they want some things from us now (It could be financially, they might need their ego stroked, might want regular sex, a shoulder to lean on, less hassle about them delivering on promises, etc.) and they know we are not going to give it to them, at least not without some confrontation, if we know they are not going to be around for long term. These people are passive aggressive. They appear to be going along with you when all the while, they’re creeping around behind your back doing something else so that they do what they always intended to do anyway.

These people may have meant what they said at that time. They want to believe that they’ll do these things but they’re reactive and very Out Of Sight/Out of Mind. The moment they realize that they have to commit to what they have said, and follow through, they panic and extricate themselves out of things either in a dramatic manner or they would disappear. They might act like a real like a jackass so that you react and then they find an excuse to dodge whatever bullet they are trying to dodge.

Whatever their reason is, it is shitty behaviors that have a devastating effect on the person that takes them at their word. What we need to know is that this behavior was not born today. This is not the first time they are using it. They did not wake up one morning and say 'well, from this day forward I am going to be a swindler' that is their MO.

People who fake futures are users. You’ll never know where you are with them. They create the mess and then take no responsibility for it, claiming ‘You’ve got the wrong idea’ or ‘I don’t know what gave you that impression’ and when you’re blindsided by the shift in their behaviors (and trust me you will be), you might become filled with self-doubt and believe them which will be the start of a ride down a slippery slope where you feel you can’t trust yourself or call them on their behaviors.

It is not always easy to figure them out but here is the red flag that we should watch out for.

Their action doesn't match their words. Their behaviors might be intense and too fast - if it is something we normally are uncomfortable with under other circumstances, then we should watch and listen to the warning signs.

If they have a habit of saying one thing and doing another, next time, we need to make sure that when they discuss anything big with us, we get them definitively on it and make concrete plans so that if and when things don't go according to plan, they can’t pull the ‘You misunderstood me’ line on us. And, we always have to make sure there are consequences because if they think for one moment that they have gotten away with it, it won’t be the last time that we have to put up with their deceitful ways.

These people don’t always reveal their ways immediately, which means that we may not be able to avoid them from pulling a stunt on us, but if we make sure we keep our feet firmly in reality, have boundaries, and call them on their behaviors, we can implement damage control rather than buying into subsequent lies and illusions to try to make the previous illusions true.

If these have already happened to you, my heart goes out to you because I have gone through it and it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride.  No matter what, don't blame yourself. Remember, our only fault is that we give them the benefit of the doubt.

Ultimately, stay away from future fakers who aside from messing with your mind and your plans are flaky, deceptive, and lacking in empathy for you. If you’re with someone fake, they build fake sand castles in the sky and if you’re serious about being happy, you won’t be happy with someone who can’t keep it real and act with love, care, respect, and trust. People who do have genuine good intentions are uncomfortable saying that they can be and do more than they’re capable of and will be keen to keep it real with you so you can have a real relationship.