It is not possible to pre-grieve.

Maybe I am not in the best of moods or for some strange reason people seems to say and do stupid things around me. I know it is hard to be around a person who is going through some kind of trauma is hard, we don't know what to say or do to them, but not saying much or quite is better than saying something inappropriate. Today, someone said to another person who recently lost his brother 'At least your brother death was not a surprise; you had plenty of time to grieve for him while he was sick.' The mourner did not say anything but irritated and upset, I felt like slapping the meanness out of him.

Yes, undoubtedly, you feel overwhelming feelings of extreme sadness while your loved one is terminally ill. To be told by doctors that your loved one’s life will soon end and there’s nothing more the medical profession can do, are the worst words any human being can ever hear. Depression starts creeping in, and it’s difficult to hold onto any shred of hope……but I said difficult, not impossible. In fact, most people of the terminally ill do hang onto hope of their loved one’s recovery, no matter the odds. It is not possible to pre-grieve. As long as there is hope, there is nothing to grieve, as there is no loss...not of life, nor dreams. Real grief doesn't truly begin until the person die….that is the time when hope is lost. Neither does the myth of pre-grief allow for the completion of all 5 grief stages. Simply put, there is no way the spouse of a dying wife can journey through and recover from each stage in a natural way.

Please don't delude yourself into believing you or anyone for that matter can do all their grieving prior to the death of their beloved, if they do, they are only fooling themselves. Grief is like a spoiled child that does not give up its tenacious protest until a survivor finally pays it some attention. Thus, no matter how they try to avoid it, grief will catch up with them later in the form of latent grief.

 I will leave you with the words of Henri Nouwen “When we honestly ask ourselves which people in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”