Single motherhood is not for me!

In July of last year I wrote about how I am waiting for my miracle baby, I am still expecting it to happen, however, I refuse to be a single mother. I am not even talking about having a child with a boyfriend but a husband. I choose to wait for love over choosing single motherhood…even if it meant not becoming a mother.  This might sound old fashioned, but that is what I believed in. Some people tell me in today's world, you have to make things happen.  They say “if you want to buy a stamp you go to the post office, if you need to fix a car you go to the garage, if you need gas you go to the gas station and if you need a man you go to dating sites, if you want a baby (REALLY WANT A BABY) you can use all these services which are available out there. So, go out and make it happen." As if I needed their permission!

While I had always expected and wanted to be a mom, I never wanted to have a baby on my own, should a husband not arrive. Since my prince decided not to show up so far, I look back at my decision with disappointment but no regret. Regret would imply there was something I fail to do, but there was not. Although I wish I had had marriage and children in my twenties or thirties.

Have you noticed, as women approach the end of our fertility, unwed and uninterested in solo-motherhood-by-choice, we are not allowed to move on. It used to be, that women who did not marry and/or have children by age 40 grieved and moved on. But today, with the advancement of medicine, women are no longer given permission to move on. If there's hope after age 40 up ('did you hear about the lady in England who is pregnant at the age of 67? If there is a will, there is hope!!"), But while for many of us who remain single and childless, there is a strong will to be a mother, there is no way we want to do it on our own. Somehow, this translates to some to mean we never actually wanted to be mothers.

Some people suppose I am miserable and deeply unhappy because of my choices and there are others who are convinced I am going to regret it in the near future. They would not let me go of my grief for not becoming a mother and I feel a need to keep the idea open and every time another woman gives birth at late age: "There's still hope!"  They say with a charmed and hopeful smile.

The advancement of medicine, not only made it possible for us to have a children at a later age but it also stop us from accepting our lot in life and moving on. There is no exit point any more. We are not allowed to grieve and when we are happy with our lives regardless of not having children, our sincerity to want children is questioned. They assume that I must not want children to begin with; I want to scream 'I very much wanted children, but I did not have a father for them. It takes two to have a child, you know.'

And when everything else falls, they accuse me of choosing childlessness by not doing enough to find love. Oh but how I've tried. It seems the only way to prove that I wanted children is by having them, if I don't then it is because I did not want them or want them bad enough. It is 'catch 22.' I wanted to say ' Having a child does not prove that you want them. Sometimes people have children because they want too, other times, they have them by accident.' I cannot prove I wanted to be a mother unless I go ahead and have a baby on my own, or at the very least, show constant evidence of grief and regret for being childless. I will not be pressured into either one of those things. I am not going to spend the rest of my life feeling less than a woman because I don't have children. In my book, childless does not mean lifeless.

I believed that I have moved on. Do I still yearn to be a mother? Not as much as I used to; I have grieved and gotten to the other side. But yes, I have moments. I have moments of wanting to know what it feels like to be pregnant, of wanting to feel my baby move inside of me, of wanting to hold my newborn on my chest, of wanting to smell my baby, of wanting my child calling me mom, of wanting to look at the love of my life and feel so grateful we have a child together. So I give myself permission to live those moments for as long as they want to stay. Once in a while, I take time to feel sorry for myself, and then I move on.  All I need from those who care about me is for them to let me move on, too.

Do I still have hope I'll fall in love? Yes! Do I still hope that we would desire to have a baby with each other?  Yes, absolutely.