Married/committed men and women and why we are attracted to them.

Someone I know once said to me that he has developed a habit of becoming involved with unavailable women, even when there are wonderful, loving women available to him. He seeks out the fun, exciting, generous, sexy, dashing, unattainable types with the intent of making them fall in love with him. And once they fall in love with him, he loses interest in them. He was addicted to the thrill of the chase but once he captured what he chased, he wants nothing to do with them. Unfortunately, he is not the only one who is addicted to the thrill of the chase; there are few men and women who are like him.

These people are attracted to unavailable men and women and this is their drug of choice. Affairs with unavailable people are full of drama and there is nothing a junkie likes more than drama. You get to keep secrets and tell lies. Suddenly, your life is filled with all the intrigue and mystery of a spy novel. You meet secretly, you use codes to communicate, and you sneak behind other people's back.

Yes, unavailable people are like spies or vampires or CIA agents; it might even seem or be beautiful and exciting but it is always doomed, but of course that is the point! If you are afraid of intimacy, what better way to avoid it than being involved with unavailable person? You would not have to deal with reality. There's no arguing over the utility bills, or who takes out the garbage, or wash dishes, or which in-laws to spend the holidays with. No, those duties belong to their spouses. You get to have all the fun.  I suspect you reasons are a lot like the reason grandparents love spending time with their grand-kids  when they get tired of them, they give them back. When the high starts receding, you jump ship - you can send them back to their spouses.

These unavailable people are incredibly affectionate and forthcoming about their feelings. They can adore you unreservedly, because they have no fear of commitment to get in the way. They are, after all, already committed. To someone else. Your married/attached honey will tell you she/he adores you, can't live without you and will die if you leave him/her every morning upon awakening. That is, if she/he ever spends the night. Otherwise, she/he says it as he/she kisses you goodbye and rides off into the sunset to his wife or her husband. They can talk to you about the future during every whispered phone call, because they know it would never be. It's just another fantasy, like the trench coat scenario.

You know you are in a fictional relationship but what is wrong with that? Doesn't everyone like a good romance novel? When you're not in fantasy-land  you get to dwell in Shakespearean tragedy. You pretend you are in Romeo and Juliet kind of situation where you are kept apart from your beloved by evil person – by your beloved significant other.  If only she/he had met you first! You two were destined to be together, had not cruel reality intervened! You're the pitiful plaything of heartless fate!

If I set aside my ethical or religious belief aside, I can see the appeal of affairs with unavailable people, however, I also know that it is delusional. The self-esteem boost of knowing that you can get a person, even a married/committed person, to like you, that you can get him to like you so much that he's willing to jeopardize his/her marriage and his relationship with his spouse as well as children in order to be with you...well, that's a powerful rush, that is why I called it addictive. You are willing to hurt so many people, including yourself, just to get your fix. As with any many other intoxicating behaviors, you have to realize the inevitability of the hangover.

This also means that you are incapable of real, emotionally committed relationship, because as soon as the thrill of being wanted wears off (and it always does), you lose interest and start eyeing the next conquest. If your future plan includes a family of your own, I suggest for you take a good look at your heart now and make a decision to change.