God can do the impossible. Waiting for my miracle baby!

As far as I can remember, I always thought that I was going to grow up to marry a wonderful man and have many babies with him. Marriage and motherhood were my ultimate goal, my only worthy goal, and I spent many years preparing for those roles. As a #child and later as an adult, all I wanted to be was a wife and a mother. I thought these roles were my birthright. What gives me peace and comfort was the fact that one day I will be able to carry and #deliver a child.

For me the best part of being a woman is being a #nurturer. Whenever I saw widows and divorcees who had remarried and started their second families, I feel cheated. I have not even found one eligible partner, while so many people had found two or more.

I know, I have an enormous amount of #love, #devotion and talent to share with a child and I found my childlessness an injustice and a terrible #tragedy. Why was it so difficult to find a partner to share the fulfillment of these longing? Where is the other one-half of me that everyone promise would show up in my life? Where is the man who was supposed to be the father of my children. I did my best to ignore and squelch those #aching #maternal urges.

It is painful to want a child so desperately and not have them.You will never know what it’s like to want a child your whole life. You want a child so much for so many years; the desire either defines you or #depletes you.

 I want to resign myself to bittersweet dream, to thwarted hope and #disappointment. Considering my age and the circumstance of my life, wanting to have a husband let alone having a child,  seems logic-defying, if not #impossible  The years passed away one after another. The childbearing years are almost over. So, what now? Do I dare and believe that the impossible will happen and God can work miracles in my body or do I give up? 

Right now, it seems life's circumstances seems to block my path to my dream. I am not going to pretend or ignore my grief and disappointment. I know, if I deny them now, they will rise up later with much intensity and ambush me. I express my honest feelings to God. I don't want my frustration to harden my heart with bitterness and rage against God. I don't want to take matters into my own hand.

I am still waiting for someone special to come in to my life, waiting for my own miracle baby. How can this be wrong? I am longing to something God Himself has created for me to desire. I am not aching for #diamonds and pearls. What could be more right than wanting to be a mother? A good desire – the right #desire, I think. That still does not happen… now there is a challenge to explain. How can I explain this sort of experiences? Who among us travels far in life without running headlong into gap between what we hoped for and what come to pass? Is there anyone who has never experienced the miscarriage of a good dream – over that which really matter in a big way?  God does not always provide a #detour around broken dreams.

It is not always easy to keep bringing my broken heart back to #God, over and over. Waiting for Him to give me either the green light or to tell me it is time to let go. It takes faith to believe that if God says no to a good dream, then He has something better for me. I am not good in taking no for an answer, even if God is the one who is saying it to me. So, often, I find myself #praying, Oh #Lord, please remove the wax from my ears, this blinds from my eyes so I can know with clarity what Your wish is for me. Lord, I don't know why You do what You do, but I know every time I bring my #broken #dreams to You, something #remarkable happen. They might not look like what I have in mind when You are done with them, but I know my hope is never in vain.

Maybe this would be the year when the Lord would answer my prayer and #grant me the desire of my heart. He is the creator and all things are possible to Him.