Next time, I would know how to protect my heart better.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmEHKF99v2I

This past year my heart was broken and I was devastated. The loving relationship I thought I was in was a sham. The break up itself was bad enough, but what made it so devastating was the way he delivered it. Out of the blue, he told me in a very calm voice that he has been living with a woman for a year (Based on what he said and my calculation, it has been going on for more than a year, but that is not here or there.) and they would be getting married soon.  He has a nerve to tell me that I am the one he loves but he is going to marry her and he hopes we would stay friends

(Seriously?!) The fact that he is suggesting that we could still be friends literally took my breath away.  Oh, let me not forget how he told me in the same breath how brilliant she is and how much he admires her. I have to give him credit for having the balls to say all these things to me.  

I told myself I have to be strong and not show how much his betrayal and indifference was hurting me. I went with him to the airport and I actually find the words and the voice to wish him and his bride a happy life.  It felt like I was having an out of body experience. It was so unreal. The person who was talking to him and saying all those things was someone I barely recognize.

I could not let anyone know I was #dying from #anguish that he no longer #loved #me, that he actually never loved me, in any way or form. I also had to hide my anger and distress from everyone because these were not good qualities for a proper lady and I did not want people to judge me. Besides, I took his rejection to mean that I am worthless, that somehow I have failed some kind of 'love worthy' test.  So, I continue to pretend as if everything was great. I glued a smile on my face and kept on nodding, when others start to tell me how charming, how kind, how wonderful he is. 

Unfortunately, all the adjectives I want to use on him were not acceptable in #polite society. I have made so many sacrifices to keep him in my life. It seems this man that I have loved deeply, whom I have committed myself to, whom I have treasured – not only he did not care for me the same way I did, for him, but he did not care for me at all. 

The full extent of it hit me many hours later when I got home. When it did, I thought I was going to die. I felt as if a knife has been thrust into my body. My stomach leaped at the surprise of it all and then contracted into nasty ball. It was so excruciating I remember wondering if a person can die of broken heart? I thought what we had been emotions strong enough to cross over great distances and long separations.  I foolishly thought, our love was special and enduring. The fact that he was abandoning the promises he made to me in favor of a new relationship with another woman hurts beyond reason. I thought, talking to each other every day or every other day was a sign of communication. Obviously, I was wrong. It meant nothing to him. The whole relationship with me had been a joke for him. It reminded me of the movie 'The Dinner Game." I was the idiot that he invite to dinner. As they say, hindsight is 20/20.

The pain I was experiencing was worse than any #pain I have ever experienced; it was plunging, searing, #excruciating . Then something shifted in me. I began to react not like a naive stupid woman who had fallen in love with him but as a grown, matured, wise #woman who believed that rules and discipline could provide peace of mind. Then it became easier to pick upon Sunburn's faults rather than feel the emotion #raging inside of me. I had always made allowances for him because of love. But once I began to focus on his weakness, a pattern of deceit, deception and betrayal began to emerge. I thought about all the time Sunburn lied to me – about loving me, about his relationship with his ex, about his new love, etc. Not that I have expected him to have been faithful to me, but he has not even been a good friend. A good friend would have been honest and forthcoming. If I was not naïve and trusting I would have known what a scheming, conniving, little rat he was. As if all of this was not enough, I let memories of following months wash over me. He used me to stroke his ego. I felt duped and immensely foolish, I have been fooled by him so many times; I had become the village idiot. How he must have laughed at my expense?

And then, by #God's #grace, the strangest thing happened to me. An image came to me from my childhood and from my past experiences. I remember how hard I tried to #please the people I loved just to secure their #love. I dedicated myself to their needs and wants. I thought if I show them how much I care, how much I want what is best for them then I would earn their love and #affection. When that did not happen my first reaction has been #anger. I never #forgave them, but over time I gradually stepped further and further away from them until they no longer had an emotional hold over me. Now, in order to #protect my #heart from breaking again, this is what I have to do. 

I could not endure this sick feeling in my stomachs for another minute, let alone for a year or more. My torment was great but I summoned the same discipline that had gotten me through a rough patch in life. I have lived without him before and I know I can do so again. As painful as it was, I survived. It made me realize how strong I am. It is true when they said "what does not kill you, makes you stronger" I immediately began what I called removing the malignant tumor from my heart. I thank God for its early detection. Anytime memories of him come to #torment me, I replace it with God's blessings, with His love, with the love of people who loves me and care about me. It is really amazing how my feelings towards him have changed. I don't love or hate him anymore, I am indifferent to him.  I cast off his hold on me. I deleted and burn everything which reminds me of him, hoping they would leave from my heart and disappear in to oblivion. He, who betrayed and abandoned me, is gone from me forever. I also made a #promise to myself, never to let anyone #preying on my heart with broken promises of deep love anymore. I cleared out everything that reminds me of him. I feel this is the only way I can protect my #heart from him.