TO FIND SOUL MATE: PRESS HERE

Yesterday, I experienced a great sorrow, and now my heart seems empty. My first impulse was to give up and sit down in despair amid my dashed hopes. Weeping inconsolably beside a grave which will never bring back the treasure of a lost dream (love,) nor can any blessing come from the great sadness, sorrow cause deep scares, and indelibly such great sadness. We never completely recover from our greatest grief and we are not the same after having passed through them

I am not feeling as horrible as I was feeling yesterday but I am still so frustrated and just... angry, I guess. I am angry at myself, at the world and even at God. I really wish I had a "TO FIND SOUL MATE: PRESS HERE" button that I could turn on and off. I would have loved to just passively wait for the rest of my life if it was not for these crazy emotions and obsession that goes along with it.

Then, maybe one day, I would think to myself, "hmm I have been seeing so and so for a while now, and I see the direction the relationship is going,” and suddenly we would find ourselves transferred into a coupledom. Holy ...! How did that even happen? What a lovely little surprise!   *Long drawn-out SIGH* or - I'd get to the end of my line and think to myself “hmm I have never found my soul mate.  Ohh well! Off to finish out my wonderful life, alone. On the way, I would enjoy the company of friends and family, smile and be content with my life.

However, that is only fantasy, like those drug store commercials where everything is perfect. I still want to be a wife more than anything in the world. Despite my long history I still have [false] hope and I think, right now, that is the thing that makes me angry the most. I just want to slap myself and scream, "Listen to reason! You will probably not get married." My logical side knows this but I have wished and hoped for so long, I do not know how to stop.

That "probably" is my biggest problem. My logical side says if I could just definitively know I will never get married then I can finally begin the long, trying process of MOVING ON. Will this craziness ever end? I really need it to end before I drive myself crazy or become so depressed that I cannot get out of bed in the morning :){Well, this is not really a luxury I have right now.}

I suppose it is not really possible to know what lies ahead and where the journey will take me. It seems especially hard to cope with uncertainty when I clearly knew what I want in my life. Is this where I should make some crazy move? Some big bold brave change? Or should I relax and trust that things will happen in a good time?