Why Do We Always Blame The 'Other Woman?

I am going to talk about a sensitive subject today and some of you might find it offending and I want to apologize for it in advance. You could say this has bothered me for many years when a person cheats on his or her #spouse, why does everyone blame 'the other woman or man?' I think the 'the other man and the other woman are the most misunderstood and more importantly, the most hated and blamed. He or she is not the one with whom you are married to, he or she is not the one who made the vows and the commitments in my opinion if anyone needs to be blamed, and it should be the party who cheated on you. Since I rarely hear about the other man, I am going to concentrate on the 'other woman.'

The reason we are quick to blame the other woman might be because of stereotype. When we think of the 'other woman' the picture which comes into our mind is --the super-hot, irresistible, gorgeous, and intelligent, with a great body, right? A woman who lounges around day and night, lurking, lying in wait for an innocent, unsuspecting family man who has no interest in her. She forces herself on him and seduces him against his will!!!(PLEASE) After she has had her way with him, he quickly flees from her, feeling completely violated. These descriptions might sound absurd, but how different is really your picture of 'the other woman?' Can you deny having at least some of those kinds of thoughts about her?

The truth is the other woman is just that--another woman. She might be all of the things I described above or she might be none of those things. She might pursue our man, but just as likely, he would pursue her. She's not a monster...she's just a woman. And she, too, has a broken heart.

The other woman might be a woman who went out of her way to get our men or she might have no idea this person is in a committed relationship let alone married. Some say, usually she is a woman with low self-esteem, maybe in a rare occasion but for the most part no. Some say, she must have a father who was emotionally unavailable and she is subconsciously drawn to men she cannot have. Also subconsciously, that type of man (unavailable) is instinctively drawn to her.

The other woman is just like any woman--she just wants love and security. I think there are two kinds of 'the other woman.' 1. The one who is misled by the man and who has no idea about his relationship situation. 2. The one who is attracted only to unavailable men.

In case you hadn't noticed, people have a tendency to be dishonest if that's what it takes to get what they want. Very often, the cheater tells the other woman he is single, separated or on the verge of divorce. If he said he is single there is no way of her knowing he has a family at home. At the beginning of a relationship she doesn't know much about each other and by the time she finds out, she might have been in love with the person already. It is not easy for her to make the right choice. She may or may not let go. However, if she chooses to stay, he gets to continue to have his cake and eat it too. And if she lets go, her heart would break. It is 'Catch 22.'

And then, we have the second group of women. They are like men (no pun intended men) who can have sex indiscriminately separating sex from emotion, and just take advantage of whatever a man is willing to give them while going on with their lives, unaffected. These women hunt men who are in a committed relationship. They are not interested in emotionally available men. Their thrill comes from the chase than the catch. These women, once they have the person, they don't want them anymore.

The weird part, which I still cannot understand is, even the cheater blames the 'other woman.' Of course, the wife wanting to keep him, she takes his sides and blames the 'other woman.' too. If she believes for a minute that he is the one to blame completely, then she would be forced to make some serious decisions. That is too risky. So, she directs all her anger and rage toward the other victim in the triangle; the woman she sees as her enemy.

If you are a victim of a cheater, you might not agree with me but being the other woman can be just as painful and traumatic as being the wife who is cheated on. The reason for this is that when a woman is in love with a man who is married (the one who is on the verge of divorce or the one who is waiting for the kids to graduate from High School so he can leave his wife, etc.,) and who still lives with his wife, it's as if the other woman is constantly condoning his cheating on her on a daily basis. The sad part is, statistic shows that men who cheat on their wife/partner and/or divorce their wives, don't stay with the woman with whom they cheated.

My advice to the 'other woman' is, if you know or once you find out he is in a committed relationship and he is giving you all kinds of excuses why he is not leaving his partner/wife, collect your courage and get out of Dodge  The longer you stay, the harder it gets to get out. On top of that, you get used to having him around, to hiding your relationship from others, you might even get used to feeling guilty. Don't let your shame in the relationship stop you from getting help. If you cannot do it alone, find a friend, a counselor or therapist to help you to deal with it. I cannot promise you that it would be easy, but eventually, it would be tolerable. Good Luck.

P.S. If there is someone out there who want to share their experience, please feel free to contact me.

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