Disenfranchised grief

Have you ever lost a loved one and have grieved for the person alone? If you have, then you would understand what I am about to tell you. Losing a loved one is difficult under any circumstances. It is a time filled with numbness, hopelessness, sadness, depression, anger, and guilt. With the help of friends and family, the pain of grief lessens gradually over time. Some losses, however, are not acknowledged or supported by society and the bereaved person is left to carry their painful burden alone. They are denied the comfort of meaningful death rites and rituals and are often forced to hide and suppress their feelings. This type of grief is referred to as “disenfranchised grief.” It is a horrible feeling and I would not wish it on anybody. 

“Disenfranchised grief” is when your heart is grieving but you can’t talk about or share your pain with others because it is considered unacceptable to others. It’s when you’re sad and miserable and the world doesn't think you should be, either because you’re not “entitled” or because it isn't “worth it.”

When we think of this kind of grief, what comes to mind is 'the other woman or man' grieving for his married dead lover. That is one of the reasons but there are more, here are some of them: When you grieve for your unfulfilled dreams, a financial loss or business loss, a loss of health, the loss of a loved one’s functioning (such as in the case of Alzheimer’s). The death of a partner in an extra-marital affair, loss of a person from your past (such as an ex-spouse),  or people who you are not related to by blood (such as step-parents, in-laws, friends or neighbors. When there is a miscarriage or abortion; a friendship not known to the family;   the family knows about the relationship but doesn't know how close it was or they don't approve.  Children can experience disenfranchised grief when they experience a loss and their grief is not acknowledged. Sometimes a death of a person who had a long life is more discounted than someone younger. 

In general, disenfranchised grief happens because we love and care for the object of our grief but our grief isn’t recognized by others. It happens because others don’t understand. And it happens because we fear that everyone else will think that the grief we are experiencing is somehow our fault. And in certain situations loving the person might be our fault but not always. Sometimes,  people just try to turn their own pain and anguish outward at the nearest convenient target. Or they’re just super-judgmental.

In any event, regardless of the circumstances of how or why we came to love the person, we have a right to grieve whatever way we want, for however long we want, as long as we are not hurting others. It is our right. We don't need anyone's permission to grieve. If people accept or understand our suffering that would be great but that does not happen very often if we belong to some of the groups I mentioned above. 

What I want to say is, you need to go out and find someone who understands you, it does not have to be family or friend. Go online, find someone who had similar, if not the same kind of experience. They would be your support, they would understand you better than your own friend and family. Our case is different and our friends and loved ones may be uncertain as to how they should act, or even whether they should acknowledge the loss at all. When in doubt as to what to say, they may say or do nothing at all.