Reconciliation...

Something crucial and wonderful and holy and sweet and salty between a man and a woman sickened and withered and died, without public mourning or witness or ritual, without communal attention and respect. It dies shivering the souls of the formerly married and their children and their friends, and the Church has nothing to say, turns and looks away, frowns and castigates, and everyone shuffles forward into the muddled future, trying to repair their shattered hearts, their shattered dreams, their shattered hopes. Maybe there should be a sacrament for the end of a relationship. Maybe we should gather as a people to witness and mourn the death of love, dreams, hearts and hopes. Maybe we should create a ritual by which we honor their brave attempt, and formally conclude their failed endeavor. 

Here in the west cultures are more tolerant of divorce than of infidelity. Because divorce basically says, you hurt me, I am wounded, and therefore I will dissolve our relationship. And the relationship is seen primarily as one between two individuals. The more traditional you go, the more people’s sense of self is embedded within a larger network of connections. And therefore to dissolve the marriage is not something that you are just doing to the two of you, you’re doing it to your children, to your parents, to your larger network. And it’s in the name of that network that sometimes you will keep things together.

Relationships are attachment bonds and they do not break or snap cleanly. They tear apart like sinews of flesh and bone, sometimes abruptly and sometimes slowly with the whimper of long neglect (if attachment link broken).

Reconciliation is future oriented, it is more of about going forward than about changing the past. It accepts there will be different versions of past events and a lot of prior upset as a result. Most of all, reconciliation accepts that some hurts cannot be undone.

Reconciliation is a lot of work, it requires a great amount of time, patience and tolerance. It is as fragile as our hearts. It takes time to open up and to let our guards down, to risk trusting again.  It can be fraught with setbacks with both parties acting hypersensitivity to the other, looking for clues to justify an ongoing lack of trust. And if other people are involved, they might hamper the process further. 

If reconciliation is our goal, then we have to be willing to do whatever it takes. We have to be able to say 'if there is a problem, I am willing to deal with it' rather than 'if there is a problem, I will just give up and try something else.' Relationships *marriage, friendship, courtship  etc.* need a lot of work. They aren't always fun, and t everything.

Sometimes, we may go through patches where we are unwilling to change, or finding it hard to forgive. But love is an incredibly powerful force for inviting change, and unconditional love in these circumstances can often lead to healing and reconciliation. 

Being part of a couple in a relationship is about what is best for us rather than what is best for me. It is about couple helping each other to overcome their mutual challenges and shortcomings. It is not about beating each others up while we are down on our luck. It is about picking each other up and about cheering for one another.