Saturday, August 18, 2012

Friendship; If the horse is dead, get off it.


I have stayed in certain relationships out of habit rather than want or need. There were times, when I was close to these people, even considered them "friends," but, the friendship which has been built on trust, loyalty, love and compassion, has been eaten inside out with lies, disloyalty, indifference, and inconsideration. Now, the only thing left now is the shell of what used to be.

We are not connected deeply anymore. Our relationship is superficial. Every thing in these relationships tells me that it is over, yet, I could not bring myself to end it. I keep wondering, if they have reached the same conclusion. Are they waiting for me to end it? Or, are they oblivious to it? If I end it, what would be the implication?

If these relationships are as bad as I think they are, then why do I find it difficult to terminate? I think the mystery lies in the way I look and identify friendship. John Leonard wrote 'It takes a long time to grow an old friend." Often, I find myself impressed with people who have been friends with someone for many years. I envy people when they say 'we have been friends since grade school.'  It illustrates loyalty, a long history of ups and downs and how I assume what true friendship is. My hesitation to terminate these relationships comes from fear of what it would say about me. Would that make me flighty, or superficial? Would people judge me accordingly?

This reminds me of the saying that goes something like, people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, and wondering what happens if a person was just suppose to be in your life for a reason or a season, and the reason and season has passed, yet, they are still there? Intellectually, I know just because I have known someone and have been friends for many years do not mean I have stay with them for the rest of my life.

Everything in life has an expiration date.  Some has longer shelf life than others but nothing and no one lasts forever. When something comes to an end, we have to accept it. Trying to hold on to it is futile. We have to close one chapter before we open a new one; we have to tell ourselves what has passed will never come back. We should not end friendship because of pride or arrogance, but simply because that particular friendship no longer fits our lives. If the later is the reason then by all means, shut the door, change the record, and shake off the dust.

We need to stop beating the dead horse and get off it. It is dead - nothing, short of God Himself, and would bring it back to life. We need to remember we are in control. The choice is ours to make. We should not let go off friends because we don't like what they have to say to us, or because their word wounded our ego, or because our circumstances have changed and we don't think they are good enough for us.

That being said, I had never been good with goodbyes. I am one of those people who always need closure and I want to extend the same courtesy to those people I want to end the relationship with. I understand there are no legal or financial ties to force us to perpetuate this bond, yet, the emotional investment in friendship is intense and ending it can be devastating. Especially if the one being left behind was not aware of the problems.

Intellectually, I know, I have to end it but emotionally I am not ready to face them with my decision. However, like I stated above, I know I have to find courage to end it. Who knows, I might even be doing them a favor by ending it. I might be saving them from doing what needs to be done. If something is dead, it really doesn't matter who pronounced it 'dead.'

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